The Truth Fuckin' Hurts

Here's some fuckin' honesty. I gotta get it out....
My relationship is in the exact spot everyone said it would be, though most of them gave us a year... It's only been six months.
I have more past due bills than I can count. Unfortunately, one of them is rent. That seriously sucks when you only make tips and can't even try to set a budget for when you will have it.
I am still in love with my ex-hubby. But, I am also in love with S. I didn't think a person could really love two people at once, but I do. I don't want to let go, but I don't want to lose P either. I think I already have, though. Then, I think about how many lies he has told me...especially lately...and get discouraged. And then, I think about all the shit I did while we were married... and realize I deserve all the shit I'm getting now.
My entire life is spiraling downward in a way I've never experienced. I'm irresponsible, flakey, bitchy... Not to mention all my emotional, mental, and physical shit going on.
I've been calling the med clinic over and over and they don't answer or return my calls.
My phone is now disconnected... AND, I ran out of coffee!
Something has GOT to give.