I Ate THAT?!... And other random shit

The shit I eat when pregnant... Blah! What you see above was my snack yesterday afternoon: black olives, hard boiled eggs, and a pickle spear. It wasn't that I was actually craving this odd combonation. I just looked in the fridge and grabbed each item. Once I got them on to a plate, I looked at them and thought, "What the fuck are you about to eat, Shannin?"

I am now 7.5 weeks along. Still haven't gained any actual weight; lost a pound actually. But, my tummy has gained a lil' pouch. I like it. I love pregnant bellies; until the day after delivery!

This pregnancy has been trying already. I am not having the complications I had with the last pregnancy which ended at exactly 7.5 weeks. But, I am physically exhaused. I am completely fed up with being nautious all the fucking time. A lot of it has to do with stress, I am sure. S is doing everything he can to help me in that area. He has been hired for a second job that starts in another week or so. When I get home Wednesday he is taking me out for a night alone... out of Grandma's house for the entire night! Loud sex... HURRAY!

I need to be home so bad. My mom is driving me insane... well, more insane than usual. There is a very good reason we have never spent more than a few days in a row together since I was 15 years old. A very good reason. I will miss Kiera, who is finishing her school year here. This is her third school this year and I don't want to make her have a fourth school this close to the end. Ry and Xander are going to their dad's. But, at least I can see them whenever I want.

When I get home I have to clean out my locker at the club. That is always sad for me. I'm not sure why. I hate my job when I have to do it. But, the thought of quiting, of leaving that stage, kills me. S doesn't want me to ever go back. I have to tell myself I can if I want to or it will bother me too much. It's hard to explain; but any girl who has been in the business for any extended amount of time understands the discomfort and fear of quiting.

I'm going to try to get a job bartending again. It's pretty difficult to get a bartending job in this town. I'm hoping I finally know enough people to find an "in". That's what really matters here, who you know, not what you know. I'm hoping with my experience and the few connects I have I will find something. If not, it's back to serving food. Blah! But, everyone tips a pregnant server extra... Right? :)

I Miss My Mind and My Baby

Hmmmm... What to say to the audience of 2, maybe 3?

Perhaps you are interested in the fact that I am completly losing my mind! For real this time.

Yesterday, I ate a huge bowl of spagetti. Put my bowl in the sink and went to do some laundry. Noticed some tuna in the cupboard, and thought, "Yum, tuna. I'll have that for lunch." And, proceeded to make a tuna sandwich, abandoning my laundry. Half-way through the sandwich, I realized I already ate lunch! How do you forget something like that 30 seconds later??

Then, I tried to cover the crock pot with my phone instead of the lid. Followed by attempting to drink my phone instead of my water.

WTF??? I usually get this retarded later in pregnancy... Way later.

Anyway, beyond that, I miss S terribly! Really, really bad! I'm going insane. My mind is wandering to places I hate for it to be. Picturing awful things that I can't shake off. I just want to be home... NOW! But, I am at the mercy of Phil. Note: Never, ever put yourself at the mercy of your estranged husband. No matter how well-intentioned they seem, they aren't. Ever.

Am I CRAZY?? Don't answer that!

Here I am again! It is so odd to read my last post and think of everything that has happened since then.

Here's a lil' catch up.... ( I threw some random pics in because I know how you all get bored without pictures!)

S came back that night... We fought; bad. I left with the kids to Blither's. I ended up getting into a shithole place for a couple weeks with the kids,

but remained in the relationship with S.

Fast forward to December 16th....

We had to take the kids to my mom. I didn't have transportation to get them to school or daycare. No daycare means no work; no work means no money. Phil was still not helping... at all.

That night, S and I went to the Christmas party at my club. Alcohol + Emotional Shannin + S = fight. So, before it got ugly, I notified security not to allow him back in. This was the last straw for his ego. So, he left me.

For the following month I....

... Moved into my babysitters spare bedroom.

... Dated morons... One of which has become Phil's boss and my favorite stalker!

... Visited my kids for not nearly enough time.

... Got back together with Phil.

... Left Phil for S, again.

Sooo.....

S and I are back together. We totally do NOT have our shit together. We both have jobs, but I will get more into that momentarily. First, let me say that I hope there is no one else in his family that wishes to inflict pain on me. His mother attacked me in a bar about 6 weeks ago. Two weeks later, her mother came into my club threatening to shoot me!!! I won't be invited to family functions, I'm sure. His father's side seems ok with me and we are living with his paternal grandmother. That is SO much fun! HA!

So, the job situation... S is working whatever shit job he can get his hands on. He is miserable, but doing it. I still have my job.. However... the morning sickness that lasts all damn day makes it difficult to feel sexy in 2" of underware and 8" of heels. Yup... I'm pregnant! Five weeks now. And, we are broke, broke, broke. Living with grandma isn't going to work with the hordes of children we will soon have in tow!

NOW...

I am at my mom's with the kids for two weeks. Phil has a place set up for them then. I miss the hell out of S and our trust issues are in full swing right now. I am trying to tell myself that we need this. If we actually make it through, it will be amazing and just the jolt of faith I need.

If not, Phil has offered to let me stay with him. He will take care of me while I can't work and I will be living with my kids full time. Sounds great, I know! But, I would lose S. And, honestly, I love the shit out of that man. No amount of money or security changes that for me.

New MiMi, stolen from Blither, at Now THIS is Looney.