OMG!

You know what... just friggin' shoot me! Really.
I didn't even read my last post first to see what needed updating because I know it's pretty much EVERYTHING. My life is fucking ridiculous. It seemed that I had it all set up. I had all my kids all set, my meds all settled, a surgery date (I have severe endometreosis and need a hysterectomy), therapy and DBT, kids therapy, Girl Scouts... the whole bit. But, my relationship was falling to bits. He was taking good care of us, but was hurting me inside and outside. This last weekend I finally said enough is enough and put him in jail. I also packed all our stuff and put it in a U Haul and moved out of the state.. with the help of my church and family. To say it was hard is a HUGE understatement.
Now I'm here. At first it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My spirits were pretty high. I had just done this starting over bit and didn't think it was going to be so bad to do it again. Well, I have double the kids this time, no car, and a different state. I'm not in my own place, which makes it uncomfortable and hectic. I only have four days left on my meds and the soonest appointment I can find is a month out. I am rapidly losing more weight.. I am now smaller than I was when I was using coke. All I want to do is run and hide. Everything seems too big. I try to take small steps. But, even making breakfast is too much. I don't feel like I can stand up that long. I think horrible thoughts... like giving my kids away, just because I feel like I can't do it, not because I don't want them.
I was so close to having it "all"... yet, so far... It hurt so bad. I won't ever have it I don't think. I don't really deserve it. I was good to him. But, Karma is one bad bitch.