Holy Kamoly!

I've been gone so long, it took me forever to remember how to get back!

First of all....
Here is me now....

And, here is the baby I was pregnant with in my last post... Her name is Kennedy Grace and she will be ONE this Saturday!!

Here are my other three...

Rylee, 6, and Xander, 4.

Kiera, 8.

And my biggest Baby, of course.

So, that's what we all look like now, well over a year later. To try to catch up with us would make your head spin, repeatedly. I had a baby, you caught that. Scott and I split, again, in January...I actually moved out in February. That's right when he knocked up some other chick...I'll get to that more in a minute. So, anyway... I got married March 5th to some guy I used to call my stalker to make it all stop hurting. I left him less than a month later and dated a coke dealer that beat me severely. That lasted about two months. Also in March Scott moved to Colorado. By April the pregnant chick had joined him. I remained in Vegas, dancing, living alone and doing horribly...Probably the worst mental state I've ever been in. I looked like this...(Sorry, it's off my phone and I just couldn't get it bigger. Point is, I was tiny and sick.... and, back in that same damn dressing room.. though I did end up venturing off into bigger clubs, which made for bigger trouble!)

Scott and I maintained communication. In July he visited me. Less than a week later her things were packed and she was back in Vegas with her daddy. I know that makes me sound horrible. However, I met this girl in March; over a game of beer pong, while she was pregnant, less than two months after he left me (making our daughter under four months old), as she told me she was aborting her baby, with a cigarette in her hand and a round of shots on the way. (She bashed the window of my Beamer later that night.) I was getting MY family back. Ok... Back to the story...Kennedy and I were packed and living in Colorado a week later. Kiera joined us a week after that. And, the other two, Rylee and Xander, got here yesterday... after some fighting I had to go through with my ex to get them. Due to some bad decisions she made during her pregnancy that aren't my business, she was forced to deliver 10 weeks early. Their daughter was only 1lb 13oz... but, is now 3lb 6oz at one month old. We have yet to meet her as she is in a Vegas NICU unit that neither one of us is permitted to enter. I have a lot of pain and insecurity related to the whole scenero, so I try to block it out... which doesn't work, of course. Anyway, I am clean and on my meds and doing much, much better at the present moment. I would like to get a job... but, after child care for four kids, I'm not sure if it is even financially worth it. So, for now, I'm hangin' out with the kids at home. I'm actually involved with church. Which, if you knew me before, you know is extremely out of character. But, I have found a great deal of comfort and security in faith. I also have the girls in Girl Scouts. I have to find Xander an activity, also. So, there is a little catch up. Still looney as ever, but I have still avoided the bin! Take care loves!

By the way... I'm currently reading, and highly recommend, the book How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me by Susan Rose Blauner. Susan has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and major depression. But, most importantly, she had obsessed with suicide for at least 18 years and survived several attempts and is here to write about how she overcame it! This is a no-nonsense book written in laymens terms (as in telling your brain to fuck off!). I'm having a great time with it, and unlike many books of this nature, I'm not getting more depressed reading it! Just thought I'd share.

Also... I don't have computer access everyday... So, if I don't respond, for even a couple weeks, I apologize and will do so as soon as I can. :)