OMG!

You know what... just friggin' shoot me! Really.
I didn't even read my last post first to see what needed updating because I know it's pretty much EVERYTHING. My life is fucking ridiculous. It seemed that I had it all set up. I had all my kids all set, my meds all settled, a surgery date (I have severe endometreosis and need a hysterectomy), therapy and DBT, kids therapy, Girl Scouts... the whole bit. But, my relationship was falling to bits. He was taking good care of us, but was hurting me inside and outside. This last weekend I finally said enough is enough and put him in jail. I also packed all our stuff and put it in a U Haul and moved out of the state.. with the help of my church and family. To say it was hard is a HUGE understatement.
Now I'm here. At first it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My spirits were pretty high. I had just done this starting over bit and didn't think it was going to be so bad to do it again. Well, I have double the kids this time, no car, and a different state. I'm not in my own place, which makes it uncomfortable and hectic. I only have four days left on my meds and the soonest appointment I can find is a month out. I am rapidly losing more weight.. I am now smaller than I was when I was using coke. All I want to do is run and hide. Everything seems too big. I try to take small steps. But, even making breakfast is too much. I don't feel like I can stand up that long. I think horrible thoughts... like giving my kids away, just because I feel like I can't do it, not because I don't want them.
I was so close to having it "all"... yet, so far... It hurt so bad. I won't ever have it I don't think. I don't really deserve it. I was good to him. But, Karma is one bad bitch.

Holy Kamoly!

I've been gone so long, it took me forever to remember how to get back!

First of all....
Here is me now....

And, here is the baby I was pregnant with in my last post... Her name is Kennedy Grace and she will be ONE this Saturday!!

Here are my other three...

Rylee, 6, and Xander, 4.

Kiera, 8.

And my biggest Baby, of course.

So, that's what we all look like now, well over a year later. To try to catch up with us would make your head spin, repeatedly. I had a baby, you caught that. Scott and I split, again, in January...I actually moved out in February. That's right when he knocked up some other chick...I'll get to that more in a minute. So, anyway... I got married March 5th to some guy I used to call my stalker to make it all stop hurting. I left him less than a month later and dated a coke dealer that beat me severely. That lasted about two months. Also in March Scott moved to Colorado. By April the pregnant chick had joined him. I remained in Vegas, dancing, living alone and doing horribly...Probably the worst mental state I've ever been in. I looked like this...(Sorry, it's off my phone and I just couldn't get it bigger. Point is, I was tiny and sick.... and, back in that same damn dressing room.. though I did end up venturing off into bigger clubs, which made for bigger trouble!)

Scott and I maintained communication. In July he visited me. Less than a week later her things were packed and she was back in Vegas with her daddy. I know that makes me sound horrible. However, I met this girl in March; over a game of beer pong, while she was pregnant, less than two months after he left me (making our daughter under four months old), as she told me she was aborting her baby, with a cigarette in her hand and a round of shots on the way. (She bashed the window of my Beamer later that night.) I was getting MY family back. Ok... Back to the story...Kennedy and I were packed and living in Colorado a week later. Kiera joined us a week after that. And, the other two, Rylee and Xander, got here yesterday... after some fighting I had to go through with my ex to get them. Due to some bad decisions she made during her pregnancy that aren't my business, she was forced to deliver 10 weeks early. Their daughter was only 1lb 13oz... but, is now 3lb 6oz at one month old. We have yet to meet her as she is in a Vegas NICU unit that neither one of us is permitted to enter. I have a lot of pain and insecurity related to the whole scenero, so I try to block it out... which doesn't work, of course. Anyway, I am clean and on my meds and doing much, much better at the present moment. I would like to get a job... but, after child care for four kids, I'm not sure if it is even financially worth it. So, for now, I'm hangin' out with the kids at home. I'm actually involved with church. Which, if you knew me before, you know is extremely out of character. But, I have found a great deal of comfort and security in faith. I also have the girls in Girl Scouts. I have to find Xander an activity, also. So, there is a little catch up. Still looney as ever, but I have still avoided the bin! Take care loves!

By the way... I'm currently reading, and highly recommend, the book How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me by Susan Rose Blauner. Susan has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and major depression. But, most importantly, she had obsessed with suicide for at least 18 years and survived several attempts and is here to write about how she overcame it! This is a no-nonsense book written in laymens terms (as in telling your brain to fuck off!). I'm having a great time with it, and unlike many books of this nature, I'm not getting more depressed reading it! Just thought I'd share.

Also... I don't have computer access everyday... So, if I don't respond, for even a couple weeks, I apologize and will do so as soon as I can. :)

I Ate THAT?!... And other random shit

The shit I eat when pregnant... Blah! What you see above was my snack yesterday afternoon: black olives, hard boiled eggs, and a pickle spear. It wasn't that I was actually craving this odd combonation. I just looked in the fridge and grabbed each item. Once I got them on to a plate, I looked at them and thought, "What the fuck are you about to eat, Shannin?"

I am now 7.5 weeks along. Still haven't gained any actual weight; lost a pound actually. But, my tummy has gained a lil' pouch. I like it. I love pregnant bellies; until the day after delivery!

This pregnancy has been trying already. I am not having the complications I had with the last pregnancy which ended at exactly 7.5 weeks. But, I am physically exhaused. I am completely fed up with being nautious all the fucking time. A lot of it has to do with stress, I am sure. S is doing everything he can to help me in that area. He has been hired for a second job that starts in another week or so. When I get home Wednesday he is taking me out for a night alone... out of Grandma's house for the entire night! Loud sex... HURRAY!

I need to be home so bad. My mom is driving me insane... well, more insane than usual. There is a very good reason we have never spent more than a few days in a row together since I was 15 years old. A very good reason. I will miss Kiera, who is finishing her school year here. This is her third school this year and I don't want to make her have a fourth school this close to the end. Ry and Xander are going to their dad's. But, at least I can see them whenever I want.

When I get home I have to clean out my locker at the club. That is always sad for me. I'm not sure why. I hate my job when I have to do it. But, the thought of quiting, of leaving that stage, kills me. S doesn't want me to ever go back. I have to tell myself I can if I want to or it will bother me too much. It's hard to explain; but any girl who has been in the business for any extended amount of time understands the discomfort and fear of quiting.

I'm going to try to get a job bartending again. It's pretty difficult to get a bartending job in this town. I'm hoping I finally know enough people to find an "in". That's what really matters here, who you know, not what you know. I'm hoping with my experience and the few connects I have I will find something. If not, it's back to serving food. Blah! But, everyone tips a pregnant server extra... Right? :)

I Miss My Mind and My Baby

Hmmmm... What to say to the audience of 2, maybe 3?

Perhaps you are interested in the fact that I am completly losing my mind! For real this time.

Yesterday, I ate a huge bowl of spagetti. Put my bowl in the sink and went to do some laundry. Noticed some tuna in the cupboard, and thought, "Yum, tuna. I'll have that for lunch." And, proceeded to make a tuna sandwich, abandoning my laundry. Half-way through the sandwich, I realized I already ate lunch! How do you forget something like that 30 seconds later??

Then, I tried to cover the crock pot with my phone instead of the lid. Followed by attempting to drink my phone instead of my water.

WTF??? I usually get this retarded later in pregnancy... Way later.

Anyway, beyond that, I miss S terribly! Really, really bad! I'm going insane. My mind is wandering to places I hate for it to be. Picturing awful things that I can't shake off. I just want to be home... NOW! But, I am at the mercy of Phil. Note: Never, ever put yourself at the mercy of your estranged husband. No matter how well-intentioned they seem, they aren't. Ever.

Am I CRAZY?? Don't answer that!

Here I am again! It is so odd to read my last post and think of everything that has happened since then.

Here's a lil' catch up.... ( I threw some random pics in because I know how you all get bored without pictures!)

S came back that night... We fought; bad. I left with the kids to Blither's. I ended up getting into a shithole place for a couple weeks with the kids,

but remained in the relationship with S.

Fast forward to December 16th....

We had to take the kids to my mom. I didn't have transportation to get them to school or daycare. No daycare means no work; no work means no money. Phil was still not helping... at all.

That night, S and I went to the Christmas party at my club. Alcohol + Emotional Shannin + S = fight. So, before it got ugly, I notified security not to allow him back in. This was the last straw for his ego. So, he left me.

For the following month I....

... Moved into my babysitters spare bedroom.

... Dated morons... One of which has become Phil's boss and my favorite stalker!

... Visited my kids for not nearly enough time.

... Got back together with Phil.

... Left Phil for S, again.

Sooo.....

S and I are back together. We totally do NOT have our shit together. We both have jobs, but I will get more into that momentarily. First, let me say that I hope there is no one else in his family that wishes to inflict pain on me. His mother attacked me in a bar about 6 weeks ago. Two weeks later, her mother came into my club threatening to shoot me!!! I won't be invited to family functions, I'm sure. His father's side seems ok with me and we are living with his paternal grandmother. That is SO much fun! HA!

So, the job situation... S is working whatever shit job he can get his hands on. He is miserable, but doing it. I still have my job.. However... the morning sickness that lasts all damn day makes it difficult to feel sexy in 2" of underware and 8" of heels. Yup... I'm pregnant! Five weeks now. And, we are broke, broke, broke. Living with grandma isn't going to work with the hordes of children we will soon have in tow!

NOW...

I am at my mom's with the kids for two weeks. Phil has a place set up for them then. I miss the hell out of S and our trust issues are in full swing right now. I am trying to tell myself that we need this. If we actually make it through, it will be amazing and just the jolt of faith I need.

If not, Phil has offered to let me stay with him. He will take care of me while I can't work and I will be living with my kids full time. Sounds great, I know! But, I would lose S. And, honestly, I love the shit out of that man. No amount of money or security changes that for me.

New MiMi, stolen from Blither, at Now THIS is Looney.

Life Can Kiss My ASS

Yesterday I had this big, long rant regarding Phil reading my blog and not showing up for his kids. It was followed by a sweet, sweet letter from S. I was almost done when S walked in the door and gave me a heart attack. So, it was all deleted. Doesn't matter though. I'm over Phil reading this (Hi Phil!).... And, I think the letter is only true when S thinks I'm leaving. A bunch of you're my soulmate, I can't live without you, I'm yours forever bullshit.

Well, I do want to leave.

*Insert whining, moaning, and rationalizing here*

No reason to go through specifics of why. I'm just not happy. Niether is he. We want to be, but we aren't. We try to be, but we aren't. I'm really not ok. But, I suppose I will be... at some point.

The Truth Fuckin' Hurts

Here's some fuckin' honesty. I gotta get it out....
My relationship is in the exact spot everyone said it would be, though most of them gave us a year... It's only been six months.
I have more past due bills than I can count. Unfortunately, one of them is rent. That seriously sucks when you only make tips and can't even try to set a budget for when you will have it.
I am still in love with my ex-hubby. But, I am also in love with S. I didn't think a person could really love two people at once, but I do. I don't want to let go, but I don't want to lose P either. I think I already have, though. Then, I think about how many lies he has told me...especially lately...and get discouraged. And then, I think about all the shit I did while we were married... and realize I deserve all the shit I'm getting now.
My entire life is spiraling downward in a way I've never experienced. I'm irresponsible, flakey, bitchy... Not to mention all my emotional, mental, and physical shit going on.
I've been calling the med clinic over and over and they don't answer or return my calls.
My phone is now disconnected... AND, I ran out of coffee!
Something has GOT to give.